Sometimes we have a tendency to look at social media and get swept away with wishing our lives were different.  All of these pretty little Instagram squares show influencers, and friends, living the life.  But the reality is we all have things behind the scenes that we are dealing with.  We just don’t always share it in the perfect Instagram squares.

 Three years ago I walked into my Doctors office with questions about starting a family.  After numerous talks, Matt and I had decided we were ready.  So like the responsible adult, I thought I was (I HATE adulting) I went to see the doctor to see if there was anything I should know or be doing.  Diet, prenatal vitamins, or anything else I should be concerned about or lifestyle changes I needed to make.  What came of that appointment was a life changing.

The doctor had me take blood work to check for any genetic issues and, because of my family history, convinced me to take the BRCA test. Cancer runs heavy on my mom’s side, and there were too many to just be a coincidence.   I agreed because I had wanted to take the test but thought it was too expensive.  But at that point 3 years ago it had dropped from thousands to $300.  So as my heart sank I did the blood work.

I was called to the Dr.’s office about 10 days later.    She had was crying when she told me.  And that was that.  Matt and I decided to move forward with the prophylactic double mastectomy.  I waited until he was on deployment, much to his disappointment,  because we had travel plans and if I was gonna be out of commission for a while I figured why not while he was gone.  My mom was going to come out either way.

An 8-hour surgery, a ridiculously fast recovery (I did a dive with bull sharks while I had my expanders in),  a reconstructive surgery – and in a blink of an eye two years was gone.  We were at new cross roads where Matt had decided to leave the special forces after ten years and pursue his MBA at Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

And I was cleared to start trying to have a baby.

So we started trying, and trying…and trying.  We made it to a year of trying, which isn’t a long time, I’m well aware.  But the doctors decided to send me to an infertility Doctor.  Funny thing about having the BRCA mutation is you always have a team of doctors because they monitor you very closely.  Just because I moved forward with the double mastectomy doesn’t mean I’m 100% out of woods, and I still have my ovaries, which are a problem.

When I turn 40 my chances of getting ovarian cancer go up… way up, so they want to take out my ovaries as soon as they can.

**I want to pause here because I wrote this post two months ago.  I stopped at the above point because I was crying and just couldn’t finish.  But the more I thought about it the more I wanted to share because I’m not the only one.**

So being in my mid-thirties I don’t have all of the time to have a baby. Women rock babies after 40 all the time, but like I mentioned above, I need to have my ovaries taken out. No this is not mandatory, this is a personal decision, just like having the prophylactic double mastectomy.  Even though I go in every 6 months for ultrasounds and blood work the reality is this: ovarian cancer is VERY hard to detect.

This whole process has been, in all honesty, heart-wrenching.  It is by far harder to have to face every month of not being pregnant than it was to face the BRCA+ mutation.  Every time I see babies I just want to squeeze them, and every time I have friends that get pregnant I’m overwhelmed with happiness.  And they are everywhere.  And then the {unwanted} thoughts go through my mind: whats wrong with me, what if this really doesn’t happen, and the one thought that gets me every time: maybe I should have put that double mastectomy on hold.

Medicine is tricky.  Statistics are hard – are you in the percentage to pop for breast cancer early or the percentage that will pop later in life.  Decisions I made 3 years ago easily, now I’m going back over with a fine tooth comb.  Its especially hard when every woman on my mother’s side of the family that I have known has died from cancer, three generations.

So, we passed all of the infertility procedures and since we could find no problems we decided I would start taking pills that would help me ovulate more.   The doctors thought that letrozole (Femara) would be a better option for me because it is a little less hormonal.  Cancer loves hormones.  So I have started taking the pills, and I hate them.  They give me horrible headaches and make me sick.   Some days I can barely accomplish anything.  It’s so frustrating because I am normally not one to have side effects.  But it is what it is, we persevere.  And so we will try this, and then move on to the next option.

As a side note – this is a perfect example as to why the pretty little  Instagram squares are just photos.  Every single person has some kind of issue or problem they are trying to work out, no matter how perfect their social media life looks.  Instagram Squares are meant to tell stories – and I choose to tell my stories of travel, and style.

Thanks for all of your support and for making Sunny Coastlines everything it is, and where it is going.  It’s all because of you guys, and I am so appreciative of that!